Tall Standing


Tall Standing


 

I am done with the safety razor life:

 
I have slouched in the shadows of smiles,

I have been loved into comfort-fit shapes,

I have run in a tight box of approval

Banging against the hollow sides of my truth,

Bruising heart and soul to bloodless thinness.

 

I choose to walk out of the photograph of self,

I expose the black blank back of my eyes

And dare you to stand tall enough to meet my gaze,

Stretch your arms ‘till they are embrace long,

Prise the words from between the stones of your teeth.

 
Now, call me by my name.

 
Ruth Everson

 

A comment yesterday by Mandy Collins (@collinsmandy), expressing her longing to be heard, reminded me of this poem, ‘Tall Standing’. It was written at a time when I was angry with everything and everyone. I was battling with issues of identity and felt lost in a world that seemed to demand conformity.

 It’s not always easy to sing a solo song with conviction. It was a hard journey for me to begin to speak my truth and to begin to move towards a more authentic life. I was afraid to use the word ‘gay’ (insert your own hard truth here) but the hiding of heart and soul became untenable. There were times when ‘not being’ seemed infinitely more appealing that facing the rejection and derision that I was sure would greet my truth. The irony is, that most people knew anyway and were just happy that I could finally meet myself.


I have been blessed to have the most wonderful and loving support from family and friends. I feel like I can breathe and fit into the shape of who I am. I wasted so much energy on fighting a battle that never really had to be fought.
 

There are still times when I feel that I’m shape-shifting to meet others demands. What I have come to understand though, is that when I feel the need to please, it comes from my own insecurity rather than strength from others.


I will do everything that I can to meet the needs of others but not at my own expense anymore. Perhaps that’s selfish but if I can’t embrace myself, I can only embrace others out of need.
 

The poem is still relevant. We fight to defend our truth in so many ways every day. It’s more dangerous to be safe than real.
 

My purpose is know my name and to call myself by it.


Ruth.
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. D.J. Kirkby16 June 2013 at 09:59

    Hi Ruth,
    It's an honour to know you.
    Denyse

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown16 June 2013 at 11:05

    Powerful words Ruth which I easily identify with. Self acceptance is hard but liberating when we manage to achieve it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unknown8 March 2015 at 07:36

    Indeed very powerful.

    ReplyDelete

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